Miracles Never Cease

This evening, at 8:45 p.m. approximately, Spencer and I bolted into the car and drove our little baby boy to the hospital.  He had been climbing and fell (on his eye) onto the pointy latch piece of our dog kennel door.  He was screaming bloody murder, and crying blood.  His eye was already swelling shut, and, all in all, it did not look good.  On our way out the door Spencer gave him a blessing and we sped (literally) to the hospital.  The staff where super helpful and got us right back to a room, and a doctor saw us within 30 minutes of our arrival.  At this point our sweet, wonderful boy was no longer crying, but playing with the remote control on the hospital bed.  Miraculously, the point missed his eye altogether and it appears that his vision will not be at all affected.  Further miracle, his tear duct also seems to be unharmed and the cut on the inner part of his lower eyelid was small enough to avoid sutures.  In essence, James miraculously has a super swollen eye, a small cut, and no serious damage to his eye.  I've been using the word miracle a lot, but it is a miracle!  For the way he fell, and the object he landed on, there was no possible way it could have been better. He could have easily lost all sight in his eye.  I know God was watching over my baby and keeping him safe, and I am so grateful that my little James will walk away from this with nothing worse than a really nice shiner (which of course he will show off to his friends).  How wonderful is it that we have a God of miracles, and that those miracles aren't stuck in antiquity, but they are in the here and now for us and our families!      

The Lord's Timing

I could sum this post up in five words.  I won't, but if I were to sum it up the words would be: God is smarter than me.  Now those particular five words could probably sum up almost all of my life, but I will relate how they are applicable now.

Spencer got a wonderful new job after three months of unemployment.  Were those months hectic? Yes!  Did I constantly waffle back and forth between being faithful and questioning the Lord and his timing? Yes! Did God know best? Of course he did!  Spencer's new job is with Academy mortgage.  He is working in the  IT and Tech department.  He makes four dollars an hour more than he did at his other job, he finds work more fulfilling, and he has a very high likelihood of promotion and even better pay within a year and a half.  When things work out so well (and they always do) it makes a person feel really stupid for questioning The Almighty.

I would like to say that this incident has cured me of questioning the Lord's timing, but being human, I can't say any such thing with certainty.  What I will say is "Hurrah for the Lord and His goodness in watching over me and my little family!"

I've been thinking a lot about the Lord's timing lately.  Not only that His timing is better than mine, but also that if indeed God's timing is better than our own, which it is, than we ought to be able to relax and find more joy in our lives, knowing that God is in control and that all things will work out for our good.  I have decided that when the Lord said "men are that they might have joy" he wasn't talking about when there are no problems, but about right now (this very minute).  Having joy now, no matter what the circumstances.  It seems like a wonderful goal...and an even more wonderful outcome.  I am working towards believing and living in such a way that I can have joy in each moment of my life.

Taking a Step in the Dark

Two weeks before November started Spencer called me on the phone and told me that he had written his two weeks notice.  We knew that it was getting close to time for him to leave the credit union, where he has worked since before our marriage, due to some revelation and heartfelt prayers a couple weeks before.  Neither of us were aware, however, that the time was coming quite so quickly.  I, of course, asked him why he had written his two weeks notice, and he responded that he had had a very strong prompting that it was what the Lord wanted him to do.  I said a quick prayer in my heart and responded "Well, I guess you'd better turn it in then."  That day he turned in his two weeks notice, not having filled out a single application and having nothing lined up for when his job ended on November first.  Together we took a step in the dark, trusting that the Lord would take care of our family.  I have always heard that sometimes we need to take a step in the dark, but I never imagined having such a literal experience with this principle.  We left behind the security of a steady income and some amazing insurance, and stepped towards the unknown.  The strangest thing is we both felt entirely safe in doing so, for the Lord had promised that He was with us.  It has been a truly humbling and eye opening experience.  After a couple of days my faith began to waver, but every time I have sought the Lord, He has comforted me, telling me to "be still, and know that [He] is God."  I cannot speak for Spencer, as I am not Spencer, but I know that this is helping me grow closer to the Lord and my Savior, and I believe that he is having a similar experience.  I sometimes feel like Peter, jumping off the safety of my boat and onto the water to walk towards my Savior.  Sometimes I feel confident and faithful and my feet never falter across the waves, but when I allow myself to look around at the stormy sea I begin to sink.  It is then when I call out to my Savior to rescue me, and every time He has come and spoken peace to my soul and placed me back on my feet.  As I keep my eyes upon him I am able to move forward towards whatever awaits beyond the restless sea of unemployment. Spencer is now in the process of job hunting, and it is a stormy tempestuous sea if ever there was one.  I do not know what God has in store for our family, but I do know that He is mindful of our situation, that He loves us, and that He has a plan for us.  It is comforting to know that the Lord of the whole Universe is mindful of us.  I sincerely hope that our journey through this mysterious dark tunnel is a short one, but if not, I know that everything will work out for our good, and that the Lord will be with us each step we take in the dark.  

Love

I have decided that love is the most powerful thing in the universe.  Today I feel both loved and loving, which by the logic presented in the previous sentence gives me great power.  Some of the love I've been feeling today (or at least the expression of said love) has been slightly humorous, and some has been meaningful and deep beyond what I can adequately describe with words.

This morning I was playing and laughing with my baby boy.  I do this often.  It is one of my favorite things to do.  At times while interacting with my baby a very powerful love just sweeps over me and fills my whole being.  I love my son so much.  He is one of the most precious souls in the whole world and he's been entrusted to me!  Today as I was filling as if I may burst with the love I have for my son I found an outlet in singing.  I began to sing "I love you like..." adding strange new versus such as "I love you like fires love flames, like parties love games...and so on.  It is strange how that song seemed so corny in a romantic way, but sing it to your baby and it is perfect (so long as you change the "I want to marry you" line to "it is completely true" or "oh, yes I really do").  I sang that song most of the morning, coming up with many new versus and all the while feeling that I could not possibly feel more love than I was feeling at that moment for my sweet baby James.  Then, later in the day, when I saw my Spencer and gave him his "Hello, welcome home from work" kiss I felt that same level of love only slightly different.  It is such a strange and incredible feeling, like loving at your maximal capacity. And in the moments where you are loving at your maximal capacity it is hard to imagine being able to love more.  Thankfully God can increase our capacity to love and be loved, which brings me to the amazing conclusion of my lovely day.

As hinted at above, I came to a great realization this evening.  It was not an earthshatteringly new idea, but today it sunk deep into the depths of my very soul--leaving me feeling loved beyond measure.  The idea (or belief) is this: I am of infinite worth; redeemed by my savior and unquestionably worth it.  The savior didn't look at our sins and us and decide hmmm... I don't know if this one's worth the pain.  The savior knew we were of infinite worth, children of God. Because of that knowledge he was willing to undergo the atonement, and suffer for all of our sins, our pains, and our heartaches.  Thus, making it possible for us to return to the presence of our father, the God of all the universe.  What an amazing thought.  Infinite worth, worth beyond measure.  That is the value our savior and heavenly father have placed upon each one of us, and thus it is, in fact, our value.  Whether or not we feel worth it we are, because God says so, and what God says is.  As I pondered this and let it really sink into my being I felt what can only be described as a heavenly hug; a divine manifestation that everything I just thought about was true and that my Father in Heaven was pleased that I had finally come to fully realize what had always been true about me.

It has been a lovely day and I hope that you have felt some of the love, as I've shared the story of my wonderful day with you.

Finding Peace 35 feet off the Ground

Tuesday Spencer and I had the awesome opportunity to go to ropes course together as part of our Power 90, which is a 90 day system Spencer and I are doing.  There were many things about it that were simply amazing!  I feel stretched, but in a way that is good and fulfilling and will lead me closer to the things I want.  Sadly, I have no pictures as no one in our group brought a camera.  Thus, I will attempt to describe the experience in such a way that makes having pictures, or the lack thereof, irrelevant   

In preparation for ropes course we were asked to find our greatest limiting belief.  I went not knowing exactly what my greatest limiting belief was.    However, when we set our intentions, at the very beginning I knew that I wanted to find a way to make the peace and joy I feel at times my norm, and I wanted to find a way to not fall back into my individual pits of despair.  I also went bound and determined not to do the trust fall, as I knew we were doing one, and I did not want to do it.  That's the preliminaries and from their the day began.

The first exercise we did was called "traffic jam" and in this activity we learned that there are three steps to solving a problem, namely: trial and error, finding patterns, and creating efficiency.  It was meaningful to me because I usually start out expecting myself to be at the third stage of doing everything efficiently, which is more frustrating than effective.  Our next exercise was about guaranteeing our results.  It was awesome to see our group come together and really work towards what seemed an impossible obstacle.  After that we did a trust lift (which was done in silence) and then a trust fall.  As mentioned before, I came to ropes course fully intending on not doing this activity, as I have seen too many people be dropped and I had no wish to be one of them (and let’s be honest I just have a hard time trusting people).  Despite this,  I didn’t even protest when my turn came to do my trust fall.  I climbed to the top of the pole.  I stood there for a while, conversing with my inner guru who said "You can do this."  Jamie, our facilitator, said, “Mailee, it’s time. You can do this.”  Then I fell backwards, and they caught me.  Spencer gave me a great big kiss of which everyone was quite envious ( and to which Spencer would like me to note that he had "deviously" positioned himself in order to do so) and I just laid there knowing I had just taken a huge step towards trusting people more fully and more openly.  It felt like freedom and relief, all at the same time.  Following that we got to state what our next big step to our goal was (on a giant swing).  

Lunch came at this point which broke very calmly into the jam packed action of the rest of the day.  It was a great time for reflection, rest, and getting to know the other’s in the group better.  Lunch is over back to ropes course.  

After lunch we climbed the wall, which was frightening and awesome, all at the same time.  My only note on this even is that it is amazing what our self talk does for us physically as well as psychologically.  I was a support person on top of the wall, and it was really interesting to see people as we were taking them over the wall.  They would be making progress and getting up, then they would say “I can’t” and following such a statement they couldn’t. The energy just faded and their muscles no longer had the strength.  However, our last man to go over had given about all he had at that point, and he was running on nothing.  No one was boosting him.  His only support was Spencer and I sitting on top of the wall trying to help him pull himself over.  And then when he thought he couldn’t do it he said “I can do this”  and from somewhere deep within he found the strength to get over and it was remarkable to see the difference that that self talk made both for good and bad.  

The most meaningful part of the day (for me) came next.  Thus, I am dedicating a whole paragraph to it.  I believe this activity is typically referred to as a "leap of faith," but I’d rather use the phrase coined by one of my favorite Wamplers “Jump off the freaking pole.”  Probably because the whole idea is to climb to the top of something roughly the size of a power pole and jump off towards a trapeze. This was a really remarkable experience for me, as I climbed up this pole with nothing but a harness.  I was the last to go and I was a bit unsure about the whole thing, but determined to give it my all.  The climb was not terribly difficult, but at the end of the climb I got to pull myself onto a small wooden platform (about the size of kitchen tile) and after pulling myself onto it I was supposed to stand up.  My momentum had been carrying me up there, but as I knelt on the platform I realized in order to stand I had to look straight at the ground which didn't really leave any doubt about how high up I was.  As I looked down I felt a panic rise  in my chest and a voice in my head started shouting “Can I really do this.”  I collected myself and stood.  The pole was shaking, due to the fact that I was shaking.  Standing alone on a small platform connected to a telephone pole 35-40 feet off the ground, I was very afraid.  Then from below I heard my facilitator say, as he had said for no one else, “Mailee, I want you to balance and have the pole stop shaking.”  I attempted to stand straighter, but the rope was pulling me.  I asked if they could loosen the rope at all because it was pulling me.  They told me I would have to shuffle forward as I was at the back of the tile sized platform.  I was terrified, but I obediently shuffled forward and then I attempted to balance and stop shaking.   Below Jamie, my facilitator, said “find your peace.”  I breathed in deeply and cleared my mind, and an amazing thing happened.  There, atop a power pole standing on a tiny platform with only enough room for my feet, I found complete and utter peace.  The pole beneath me stopped trembling, becoming utterly still.  From below, Jamie asked “What are you jumping for?” as our jump was a representation of what we were willing to risk and work for in our lives.  I replied that I was jumping “for consistent peace and happiness in my life”.  He then asked what I was giving up to get it, to which I replied “FEAR.”  Then from below I heard him say “Jump and grab that trapeze (which was very far away and was the physical embodiment of my purpose).  At that moment I knew I wanted it, and because I wanted it I moved forward to the very edge of the platform with no fear.  I jumped, reaching for that trapeze with all my might.  I didn’t catch it physically; however, as it was just a physical manifestation of my desire, I did catch it mentally.  Mentally, I grabbed that trapeze and did a set of chin-ups followed by a very artistic jumping dismount.  The person who came off that pole was not exactly the same person that climbed it to begin with.  After jumping for what I wanted and leaving my fear behind I became someone who would no longer let fear dictate my choices or my state of peace and happiness.   It was truly powerful!  Although the most powerful part came the next day as I spent the entire day in a state of complete and utter peace.  In that state I accomplished more, felt more gratitude, and got to experience a deeper love and appreciation than I had before felt for my sweet little James.  I learned on top of that power pole that if I could find peace there I could find it anywhere I wanted, anytime I wanted it.  

I loved ropes course, and I loved that I got to share it with the love of my life, Spencer.   

Three Wonderful Years

This week Spencer and I celebrated our 3 year wedding anniversary!  It was wonderful, but very different than how we are used to celebrating.  Having a baby now makes more than a day away a bit difficult, but we found a babysitter and enjoyed a day together at home...mostly.  We got and had breakfast, took James to the babysitter.  We then went rock climbing where Spencer climbed his first ever 5.10a wall (for those of you non-rock climbing nuts it's a really difficult climb).  I did not climb my wall, but I attempted three times and on the third time I made it past the part where I had been getting stuck.  My arms where shaking so badly at that point, however, that I decided to call it a day in the rock climbing department.  We dropped by the babysitters so I could feed James.  Then we came home and ate some Papa Murphy's take and bake pizza (it was delicious).  For the rest of the day we played games and just enjoyed each others company (and some tasty treats like ice cream!).  It was super chill, super relaxing, and super fun, basically our day was kind of a reflection of our marriage, chill, relaxing, fun, and full of love.

 Strange to say, as we've only been married for three years, it is really hard for me to remember what it was like not to have my best friend and eternal companion in my life.  It feels as though we've always been together, and always will be.  Maybe it has something to do with the nature of eternal marriage that once you are sealed your marriage spreads forwards and backwards to fill all eternity.  Whether or not that's how it actually works that's how it feels.  I love my eternal companion!  I love my Spencer!  Happy Anniversary to us!


I am so excited for all the years to come that will continue as they started, with us walking hand in hand to confront whatever it is this life has to offer us together.  

Scout Widowhood

I am happy to announce that I am no longer a widow.  "Wow," you may think, "I didn't know you ever where a widow."  But to all those thinking that I will reveal to you that I was, in fact, a widow for exactly one week due to the wonderful and worthwhile departure of my husband to scout camp (wonderful at least for his scouts).  At the beginning of my week I had absolutely no plans and thought that it would be a nice quiet week in which I could accomplish a lot of projects.  However, God knows what we need better than we do, and in his tender mercy he filled every minute of almost every one of my days with some activity or another.  It made my scout widow experience bearable.

The most difficult part about my week while Spencer was away was sleeping.  There were a couple of factors that aided in making it difficult to sleep. 1)Now that fireworks are legal in Utah people feel the need to set them off weeks in advance of Holidays and this was the week before the fourth of July; when one's nerves are already a bit on edge random booming noises going off at unexpected times don't typically help. 2) We have no AC or Swamp cooler so in order to cool our house down from the blistering hot 88-89 it typically gets up to during the day we open all the windows at night.  That really is two things that make it difficult to sleep the heat, heaT, heAT, hEAT, HEAT, and the fact that all my windows were open to anyone who wanted to pop out the screen.  3) Spencer wasn't there providing protection comfort and support.  So, with all those natural sleep inhabitants most days during this week I stayed up till four in the morning and was woken up by my son at 6:30.

I could write much more about the week, but suffice it to say it was busy, it was sleep deprived, it was exhausting, it is over.  I am so glad my sweet wonderful husband is home!  Hopefully I will have forgotten enough about how much I missed him to support him in his calling and let him go again next year.